Before the two of you can become physically close you may have to overcome some fears and objections on her part. Strange as it may seem, many women have an unrealistically negative impression of their bodies. They inspect them regularly, know every flaw and complain about them to their friends. She may even mention a few to you.

Be very careful here. Never get into any kind of discussion about the specifics of a woman’s body. You will lose. There is no positive position you can possibly take. If you agree and say she is a bit heavy, she will be devastated. If you protest, she will think you’re not being honest. You can’t win. It is like the old question: “Are you still beating your wife?” Do you answer? Yes or no? If she asks, “Do you think my butt is too big?” or “Do you think my breasts are too small?” – watch out.

Listen sympathetically and let her know that physical aspects are not nearly as important as who a person is. Also, move on to praise other attractive physical assets she has such as her eyes, hair or smile. Never comment on her breasts or her bottom. These are taboo areas.

Keep your mouth shut about specifics. She just needs to know in a non-specific way that her body is more than adequate to satisfy you. Consider a statement like, “Well, Karen, being a gentleman, all I can say is you certainly have my attention in that department.” Or “I’ll tell you Karen, I believe that sex is more psychological than physical.” She wants reassurance and to know that you’re not going to run away screaming when you see her in the buff. Remember, just don’t get specific. Let her have that dialogue with her friends.

We have already addressed safe sex. You have no choice. You need to let her know beforehand that you intend to use a condom. If you can’t have this conversation, you’re not ready to sleep with her. The risks of pregnancy (although condoms are not 100 percent) and the laundry list of sexually transmitted diseases is too great to consider anything else.

Of course, this is a difficult topic to bring up, but it must be done. You could approach it as a social issue. “You know, Liz, I’m a big believer in safe sex. I think we all have a responsibility to stop the spread of these terrible diseases. How do you feel about it?” Have this conversation after you have a close relationship established and you sense that you are moving closer to intimacy. There is no sense in scaring her off too early.

Another concern is the fear of a one-night stand. She wants to know that she will be seeing you again after you have been intimate. This is a very real concern because it happens all the time. Some men are notorious for this. As soon as the conquest is made, they feel the need to move on. Make it clear that you are interested in a continuing relationship with her. Don’t make idle promises or premature commitments. Just share your true feelings and reassure her that the two of you have a future, at least as far as you can see. It might be nice if you had some specific plans for the next weekend to alleviate her concerns.

When?

So when is the appropriate time? This is a tough one. It will vary greatly from couple to couple. We can tell you that the first date is not the time. This hurts but work with us here. Do you think for one minute that you are so irresistible that any woman will throw herself at you after three hours of pasta and Merlot?  Right. If that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this book and your mail would be addressed: Brad Pitt, Hollywood, CA.

No, there’s something else going on. Maybe she does this with every guy she goes out with. She might be drunk. She may be extremely desperate for attention from a guy, any guy, and thinks that sex is the quickest way to get it. She may ask you for $100 when it’s over! It may be some combination of the above. The question is – is this what you want? Not the sex, dummy, the woman. Do you want to spend more time with her? Are you ready to introduce her to your friends?

What about the second date or the third? OK, this could get silly. Obviously, there is no magic number. All relationships are going to move at different rates and intensities. If you make the decision that you want to move to a physical relationship, what you need is a reality check.

Talk to her! Do you actually have a relationship going here? Is she part of your life? Do you share a lot? Do you trust her? Are you close enough that you can have an honest discussion about having sex? If you can’t talk to her about it how are you going to get naked with her?

We don’t want to remove the passion and make this sound too clinical but it’s important that her expectations are properly focused. If you are not ready to commit to an exclusive relationship, the time to reveal that is before you hit the sack. If that’s still OK, and the two of you want to proceed, well . . .

What is important is to ensure that neither of you suffers from morning-after remorse. Remember, the focus here is successful dating, not scoring as often as possible. It is important that sex occupy an appropriate position in the relationship. If you want to use dating as a means to have sex, this is the wrong book for you.

Successful dating leads to an evolving relationship or relationships. If you are in a physical relationship with several women at the same time, you are not being honest with them. You are not the kind of guy we would like to see dating anyone’s sister. You are making it tough for the rest of us. You get the point.

We will proceed with the rest of the chapter under the assumption that the two of you have decided to have sex. How can you make it enjoyable and meaningful for both of you?

The Senses

In matters intimate, men are more visual (hence pornography). Women are more tactile (“Just hold me”). When snuggle time arrives, take off your shoes and invite her to do the same – innocent enough. Later, when the time is right offer to rub her feet or shoulders. Take your time. Don’t talk. Let her sense of touch set her mood. Go get a professional massage yourself from a woman masseuse (the legitimate kind) and see the effect it has on you. Pick up some techniques. Use touch when appropriate. Embrace and caress her. Hold her hands gently in yours.

Here is a great tip. Massage her shoulders. Place the fingertips of both hands on her trapezium muscles. They are the large muscles between her neck and shoulders on top. Gently roll your fingertips as if you are playing the piano. After awhile move to her neck and shoulders. Usually this will produce goose bumps. Do it slowly for as long as you can. This will put you miles ahead of your competition.

Satisfy the sense of sight by looking as good as possible as previously discussed. Make the environment (the restaurant, your car, your home) as clean and visually pleasant as possible.

Consider the sense of smell next – two things here. Be sure not to offend with unpleasant odors (halitosis, B.O. or the aftermath of Mexican food). Entice her with a hint of good cologne and scented candles. You don’t have to go overboard – just don’t ignore this sense. Taste and smell are very closely related. You already know her favorite foods since you talked to her about this early on. The taste of a good meal should be lingering on her palette.

Hearing is addressed with music and your voice. You should know her preferences because you are interested in her and talked about music on your first few dates. You just happen to have a few CDs she would enjoy. Keep the volume low enough to talk. Remember your voice is low and slow. The closer your lips are to her ear, the better, without being overt. Take your time.

© Bob Wray

Excerpt from “A Man’s Field Guide to Dating”

Author Bob Wray is a talented and prolific modern-day Renaissance man.

A former classroom music teacher with degrees in music/voice and humanities, Bob has been a successful rock musician, a college IS instructor and a systems consultant and trainer for a number of Fortune 500 companies. In addition, he has written three college textbooks and a college course on dBASE III Plus, used by over 200 colleges and universities.

Single and the father of two college-age children, Jenna and Eric, Bob spends his leisure time at the beach, playing guitar, working out, and, of course, dating. He is currently at work on a dating guide for women.